May 18: Hopeful Elected Representative Watches PGSS Council Meeting, Becomes Dictator Instead

And other bylines for a hypothetical article written this week. Content warning for transphobia.

• Last vestige of democracy dies when motion for adoption of agenda takes two minutes
• Bros of dating show star suspiciously upset to find he will marry a woman
• Local landlord discovers this new hack: "You actually don't need to fix stuff if you just gaslight 'em about it"
• Meeting declared to be infinite after internet cuts out before someone seconds motion to adjourn
• Wife of John Carver upset at lack of recognition: "Half the time someone uses Carver they're talking about things I wrote, you know", the woman says
• "We welcome her...I mean...him? with open arms", confused grandfather says about nonbinary grandchild, moments before stress induced heart attack
• In attempt to boost participation, each voting member is given two votes at local council
• John Carver on turning his name into other words: "I've managed to get "carverism" and "carverist" into the vernacular...I just can't wait until a theorist uses "carverer". That's when I know I have a legacy"
• Local doctor claims new generation doesn't value hormone replacement therapy: "I like to withold it for an arbitrary number of days just so they really know what dysphoria feels like"
• In a stunning move, guy accosted by Christian Fellowship outside the library stays Jewish even after being told Jesus loves them
• Suspected catcaller actually just wants to know why someone is reading about policy governance
• After advice to pick battles wisely, high-energy administrative coordinator fights every fucking battle possible, is voted most annoying person ever
• Neurodivergent dating show fails after its lack of toxicity
• Member of PGSS bylaws amendment committee sees the devil, is hospitalized: "When we read it out loud as a group, I think we summoned Satan", they claim